Today is my mom's birthday! Happy birthday, Mom! Today is also May Day, otherwise known as the International Workers' Day, as celebrated by the former Soviet Union and its communist acolytes. So, in honor of both holidays, here are some reasons why my mom is better than the former Soviet Union.
My mom never invaded Afghanistan.
My mom never cut a deal with Adolph Hitler, divvying up Poland in a non-aggression pact. Had my mom ever met Hitler, I'm sure she would have been quite rude to him.
My mom never created the Gulag Archipelago, the network of prisons in Siberia that disloyal citizens were sent to. However, she did send me to my room without dinner on occasion. Me and Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn... we're like peas in a pod.
My mom never assassinated a czar and his family. In fact, my mom has never assassinated anybody. She would have let Anastasia go.
My mom is a great cook. Ettouffee, gumbo, jambalaya... there is better eating in her kitchen than in the old Soviet Union. Ever hear of Soviet Cuisine? Me neither.
My mom never robbed the 1972 US basketball team of a gold medal.
My mom's network of spies in the neighborhood, affectionately referred to as the Dorsey Hall Women's Club, was nowhere near as sinister as the KGB. Though the KGB never caught me sneaking out after curfew.
Estimated death toll. USSR: countless millions. My mom: zero.
My mom never shelled the Parliament building, or any government building. And she did not have any part in taking Gorbachev hostage. My mom did not like Reagan, but never considered a Putsch.
My mom is not harboring a decaying nuclear arsenal. She also has never had a nuclear meltdown on her property. The worst environmental disaster my mom has any culpability for was probably caused by the dog.
My mom did not roll tanks into Hungary in 1956. She is on great terms with the neighbors.
My mom's dictatorship was benevolent.
Happy birthday, Mom. The workers of the world unite. And have cake.
8 comments:
I am glad to hear mom never had a nuclear meltdown on her property. The fact that you grew up near a nuclear plant explains a few things, like the knee.
Your mom also sends me really good presents, whereas I've received squat from the Soviets.
ps: Have I told you you're funny lately? Psst! Steveo! You crack me up.
I like your mom. She's cool.
Did you see that it is supposed to be Loyalty Day now too?
My Mom assassinated a czar, but it was an "Energy Czar."
The USSR produced Stalin. He oppressed and even killed some of my in-laws.
Your mom produced Poseur. Poseur has not caused any of my in-laws any grief... yet....
I'm not sure how I feel about this...
i don't think stalin ever blew anyone for a 50 cents and an empty vile of crack
Are you 12? That wasn't even a good momma joke.
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