Being an Orioles fan is rather depressing. A few years ago, Baseball Prospectus compared being an Oriole fan to being tied to a chair and allowing someone to hit you in the head with a hammer repeatedly. And things haven’t improved much since then.
So I’m thinking of adopting a backup NL team. I don’t go into this lightly, and I’m just trying to get a team that won’t depress the hell out of me. The Orioles are still my first love, but I just need another team to follow in addition to my Birds. So, let’s run through the possibilities:
Atlanta Braves
Yeah, like I’m gonna start rooting for them AFTER they stop winning the division every year. I didn’t get to be there for the good seasons, I’m not gonna sign up for the long slide into mediocrity.
Florida Marlins
They sell the team off for parts every five years, but those fire sales tend to work out well for the Fish. Their owner might be the only owner more evil than Peter Angelos so I’m not trading up. And then there’s the problem with the teal.
New York Mets
The day I root for a New York team is the same day the Godfather shows up at my house and leaves a horse’s head in my bed.
Philadelphia Phillies
This season, they will become the first team in professional sports to lose 10,000 games, not counting the New Jersey Generals, a team which exists to lose to the Globetrotters. Honestly, this is the worst franchise in the history of sports. The point of this exercise is to take my mind off the suffering, not adding to it. Phillies fans are the most bitter fans on the planet for good reason. I’d fit in well with them, though.
Washington Nationals
My brother roots for them. Automatic disqualification.
Chicago Cubs
Too trendy. But there is the bonus of not having to care if they win.
Cincinnati Reds
As tempting as it is to follow the Annual Ken Griffey Jr Injury Watch, I think I’ll have to pass.
Houston Astros
The O’s made one of the worst trades in MLB history with the Astros: an injury-riddled Glen Davis for Steve Finley, Pete Harnisch, AND Curt Schilling. That worked out well, and is perhaps the moment the O’s became a bad franchise. There isn’t a chance in hell I’m rooting for the Astros. In our defense, the Astros promptly traded Schilling and Finley, keeping only Harnisch. So it’s not like they had brain surgeons running their team either. They managed to trade a guy with less a 1000 at bats left in his career for three All-Stars (one of whom is a borderline Hall of Famer) and still sucked. Rooting for the Astros must be like rooting for the Orioles, only without the memories of winning things. You poor bastards.
Milwaukee Brewers
I like beer. The sausage race is pretty funny. Bob Uecker announces their games. They have lots of good, young talent. But this is the Brewers. They’ll find a way to screw this up. And do I want to root for a team that was owned by Bud Selig?
Pittsburgh Pirates
The 1979 “We Are Family” World Series is the worst moment of my childhood, and not just because of the truly hideous uniforms. The Pirates can go suck a gas pipe. I hope they lose every game. Willie Stargell was a communist.
St. Louis Cardinals
Defending champs. Not jumping on that bandwagon.
Colorado Rockies
I could take solace in the fact my team was losing each game 8-7. I don’t need a different style of losing. Really, every style of losing starts to suck after awhile.
LA Dodgers
I would consider rooting for them just to listen to Vin Scully. But I hate all things LA. And the nickname is insulting, as it refers to dodging trains in Brooklyn. Though its still not as absurd as “Lakers” in a city without water. We need a law that requires sports franchises to change the mascot when they move, so we don’t end up with the Utah Jazz in a state without music.
San Diego Padres
No good reason to root against them. No good reason to root for them either. The blandest, most innocuous team ever. They are pretty good. This the safe team to choose, so of course I’m not going to.
San Francisco Giants
Could I get a free supply of HGH if I promised not to make fun of the size of Bonds’ head?
Arizona Diamondbacks
15 of the 25 players on their Opening Day roster were products of the minor league system. The average age of their players is 26, one of the lowest averages in the Majors. That’s a great commitment to building talent, standing in contrast to the Orioles who have a farm system that has improved from “God awful” to “almost mediocre”. The D-backs got rid of the hideous color scheme, but also ditched the best name for a ballpark ever, the BOB (now Chase Field). Still, that’s not enough reason to reject them. This is the team. They even have 7 of Baseball America’s top 100 prospects, so they should be getting better. And, most convincingly, they ended the Yankee Dynasty, so I already kind of like them. The cherry on top is the signing of Randy Johnson, whose nickname my ex-wife mangled from the Big Unit into the Big Eunuch, which is actually a ten times better nickname.
Also, the timing works out great on both a macro and a micro level (did I just say that? You should feel free to punch me in the shoulder for that sentence). On a day-to-day level, it will be nice to tune into a west coast game right after the O’s bullpen has surrendered yet another grand slam (two in the first nine games… not home runs… two grand slams… someone kill me). The D-backs’ first pitch is usually right after the O’s loss has gone final.
On another level, this is a great time to jump on the D-backs bandwagon. They just introduced the new uni’s and are making a big push to rebrand the franchise, even dubbing the youth movement, inevitably, the Baby Backs. Now, normally this sort of marketing push would make me gag, but I’m okay with it for this reason: have you ever met an obsessive D-backs fan? Seriously, these people need all of the fans they can get. And with me, they will get the sort of fan who will obsess not only over every game, but their entire minor league system. I’m already wondering why they are carrying 13 pitchers on the 25-man roster, three catchers and three outfielders. That’s right, while they have no backup outfielder, my new adopted team thinks it’s important to have two backup catchers, in case the first one can’t perform his duties of carrying the Big Eunuch’s golf bag. I already feel the ulcer forming.
So, I’m gonna give this a try. It’s time to start cheating on my first love, the Baltimore Orioles. Let’s go Snakes!
10 comments:
So my first guess was correct. Good job of not letting the cat out of the bag.
Of course I made like 5 guesses. I think you made a good choice Poseur, now you can experience twice the disappointment.
When was the first baseball game you went to?
Heeeeeeeeeey now, wait just a minute. What happened to our deal? If I ended up staying in CO we were going to become arbitrary Rockies fans.
And you can make fun of Bond's head all you want. We do, and we're supposed to love him.
I'm not smug enough to suggest that you are only following the d-backs because they're my team, but the thought did cross my mind...
As for obsessive D-backs fans, next time you are in AZ, you can use my parents tickets, (81 home games a season, I think they attend 12) and the woman who sits at the other end of the row has diamondbacks earrings, and keeps score of every game, one time, I was looking over her shoulder and on the top of the page, she wrote mustard because mustard won the hot dog race of the day... Oh, and there's this woman out in right field who dances with flags the entire time...
You kind of have to see it, we're an ecclectic group of fans, therefore, I think you should fit in nicely.
Good choice.
The Rockies Fandom plan goes into effect if I move to Denver. And don't think I am not thinking about cities to live in based on how it conflicts with Baltimore sports loyalties.
My first baseball game? I was four of five, so it was either 1979 or 1980. We played the Indians. Eddie Murray hit a home run.
And look a that! I already have D-back tickets! And my cousin is getting married this summer in Mobile. Home of the AA affiliate for the Dbacks, the Mobile BayBears. So I might catch a game there, too.
Things are so working out. I'm very excited about this.
I had the same problem, but then again, with no local team to grow up rooting for, I never really have picked a team. I like baseball, but I have no rooting interest, so I don't really follow baseball.
I decided to follow the Brewers this year. Their ace pitcher is someone who played in a league I worked in when he was 12 years old.
Ben Sheets. I thought he was from Baton Rouge, not Gonzalez. Don't mess with me on obscure baseball trivia.
I should also point out in the Steve Is Old file that at my first game, the O's starting shortsop was still Mark Belanger. And Cal Ripken had not debuted in the Majors yet. Though his dad was still the third base coach.
D-Backs are my time as well, and one of the few in Phoenix worth rooting for. They do suffer from the fate of most Arizona teams in that our owners have a habit of building good teams for one season, and then trading our best players to our arch rivals. When I heard that Randy Johnson had been traded to the Yankees, I cried. Not hyperbolic "I could have cried," but like actual tears. Kleenex were needed.
My best friend was from upstate New York the year the D-Backs took the World Series away from the Yankees. I'm kind of surprised we both lived through that one.
I resent your comment that Utah has no music. It's just that the "Utah Mormon Tabernacle Choir" basketball team might have caused some confusion if people wanted to watch a game and ended up listening to "Music and the Spoken Word."
-Craig
(Yes that was a joke. I know it's hard to tell with me sometimes.)
Good luck. At least you have a decent shot at trading up. My cheating American league team is the Rangers. At least we have Young and Hank.
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