I got a life sentence. My brilliant legal team got me a life sentence for a murder I didn't commit. In fact, even the prosecutors admitted I didn't pull the trigger. They did say I brainwashed my wife to do the deed, which is sort of flattering. I mean, one of the questions was "Are you a dominating person?" You know it, baby.
Osler already beat me to the post mortem, but I don't think he could have made a little bit more fun of me for having to play a personal training. I'm going to paraphrase here, as he advised my lawyers:
"So your client is supposedly this personal health guru and such a stud that he's got several women fighting over him, even killing for him. And then you're gonna let Baker hobble up there? Isn't that sort of self-impeaching?"
Gee, thanks. It was a step away from "What? You're letting this fat ass on the stand?"
Usually, its my friends (or Graham) who would make that joke, but its good to know the professor's willing to step into the breach, too. At least Osler had the decency to sort of take it back by calling me "a pretty good athlete." Yeah, don't hurt yourself throwing out those compliments. I used to be really good, but those knee surgeries... dammit. I need to go to a gym.
Though thanks to the v.r. for coming to my defense. My ping pong skills are legendary, but only because I use a two-handed backhand in an absurd amount of overkill which suits my personality.
4 comments:
I said you were a pretty good athlete on reputation alone, since I don't think I've ever played you in anything. Foosball? I would be willing to take you on in any sport that involves ice or snow as a critical component.
Frankly, I thought you were a pretty good witness, but the jury really seemed not to think you should live among the good people of Texas for an instant longer. It was kind of shocking. Just be glad we don't have the death penalty in PC.
Sadly, I think I'm a fatter fat ass than you are.
I used to be able to play a little hockey goalie. But my knees don't allow me to play butterfly anymore, so you could beat me five-hole. But I'm okay on snow. Is there anyway we can set up a luge race?
Yeah, I was told that I wasn't very believable. But funny. And that's what matters.
Listen, bud, it wasn't your fault. What with the prof's inflamatory sidebar comments and my unfortunately long cross, we didn't have a chance. Unless, of course, your wife would've been the wife of the defendant we liberated from wrongful incarceration this afternoon.
The verdict came back even faster than in your trial, and the jury was convinced that the wife, Buffy, had done it--even though none of the attorneys ever made that argument!
The mom testified about her relationship with Buffy prior to her becoming her dear son's spouse. Mom said that she had to stop going to her usual salon because Buffy was always there bragging about her latest "conquests."
In fact, all the testimony (it seemed that virtually every witness testified to it) demonstrated that Buffy was such a "slut" that the defendant's mother refused to go to their wedding. The mom, on the stand, actually said that she couldn't even be sure her grandaughter was really her grandaughter! And the poor three year old kid's cry of "daddy" was a key piece of evidence for the prosecution because it supposedly identified the defendant (her alleged father)!
I felt kind of bad for the attorneys, because they tried hard and did a good job, but it really wasn't about them in this one.
Inflammatory sidebar comments!!! Well, yeah, I guess so. Sorry, man, about the life term and everything.
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