Defining Sport

I just got asked what makes a sport a sport. I'm a firm believer that golf is not a sport, but most criteria I can come up for "is it a sport?" includes golf. Which only makes me hate golf even more. This is not to say certain activities are not valid enterprises, they just aren't sports. Dancing, for example, is athletic, exceptionally difficult, and not a sport. Hey, I like Mikhail Baryshnikov as much as the next guy, but I'd feel more comfortable describing him as an artist than as an athlete. I think so would he.

So, the criteria for being a sport:

1. Objective scoring criteria
Sorry, boxing. Unless you fight until knockout like in the old days. I'm willing to give a pass to diving and ski jumping, which has such rigid rules on judging that I think their subjective scoring systems are beyond reproach (though is it really necessary in ski jumping? The guy with best form is the guy who went the furthest). But I'm looking right at you, figure skating*. Sports that are judged are open to such rampant corruption that it takes away from the competitors. Figure skating is so corrupt, it makes boxing look on the level, and I didn't think that was possible.

This also excludes all of the x-sports, which I hate with a fiery passion. It was never supposed to be about competition. And this comes from someone who used to own the old Bones Brigade videos.

2. Citius, Altius, Fortius
The Olympic motto is our guide. Swifter, higher, stronger. Sport at its purest form is two kids standing around and one says to the other, "I will race you to that tree." Which I guess means I've just included the World's Strongest Man competitions which are, let's face it, pretty damn awesome.

But it excludes things like the Spelling Bee. While those kids are freakishly awesome at spelling words I'm not entirely sure exist, it's not a sport. It's measuring brain power not athleticism. Same thing for people who play video games, who, it should be noted, need to go outside and realize its a beautiful day (says the guy who is typing on a computer). This also excludes all games, which are loads of fun, but not sports.

3. Competition
This should go without saying. The outcome needs to be legitimately in doubt. Which means pro wrestling is not a sport because it is, I hate to be the one to break this to you, not real. We'll talk later about the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

4. While not required, if you can make the game a metaphor for war, all the better.
Football is the most obvious example. To quote George Carlin:

In football, the object is for the quarterback, otherwise known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use the shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.

Lacrosse used to be actual war, as opposing tribes would kill one another in the primitive version of the game. Not much has changed. Hockey is just one step away from aggravated assault.

I need a rule to exclude golf. I'm thinking off adding rules which will exclude bowling and shuffleboard. Which, if you stop to think about it (and I have), I have not excluded by this criteria. I'm torn on finding a way to exclude auto racing, which I don't much care for but will consider a real sport due to the very real possibility someone could die. Or at least catch fire. Feel free to help. I'm looking at you, Matt.

Oh, it's spring break and I've gone into overdrive writing about the NCAA tournament over at GeauxTuscaloosa. Go see me pretend to be a sportswriter.


*Note From Management: This is bound to get my ass kicked by Sherp, who was a figure skater. So let me place this caveat: I understand what you dis was really hard. I also understand that it required a high level of athleticism. I also understand that there isn't a snowball's chance in hell I could do a single sowcow, much less a triple toeloop or whatever they call their jumps. My only point is that the judges are so damn corrupt that it takes away from the competition because we never know when the fix is in. I'd rather we dispense with the competition and just have skaters go out there and do tricks.