Opening Day, Sort Of

Yesterday was Opening Day in Texas, as the Rangers played their first home game of the season. Their opponent? None other than my beloved Baltimore Orioles, who brought the beatdown, 8-1. Now, as part of my move to Dallas, I am making a concerted effort to root for Dallas sports franchises and thereby become a real Dallas resident.

Cowboys? A classic franchise with the added benefit of irritating my brother, a diehard Redskins fan. I’m in.

Mavs? Well, they seem to be the most popular team which actually plays in Dallas proper. And the arena is pretty close to my apartment. Besides, I like Dirk Nowitizki. I’m in.

Stars? Dallas needs hockey fans. As someone who actually knows what forechecking and backchecking are, and the difference between the two, I think I qualify. Despite the fact I think Mike Modano is a sissy, I’m in.

Rangers? Nothing personal, but I can’t give up my O’s. Ten straight losing seasons, and you’d think I’d be willing to jump ship, particularly since the owner is one of the few people on earth more irritating than Donald Trump. But I’ve been hardened. Nothing makes a more passionate fans than years and years of bitter defeats. And trust me, I’ve got bitterness. Just ask me about Jeffery Maier. I dare ya.

There are teams I like, and I’m adding the Dallas teams to the “like” list. Heck, I’d even consider myself a genuine fan. But there is only one professional sports team I truly love: the Orioles. The fact that they currently stink right now, and they are owned by a guy bent on the destruction of a once proud franchise actually pains me. Sports franchises are a bizarre public trust, and the Orioles seem bent on violating that trust. But I can’t give them up.

So, here’s 10 reasons to root for the Orioles for despite yet another losing season:

1. Miguel Tejada doesn’t play for the O’s anymore. Neither does Jay Gibbons. Hopefully, they spent their multimillion dollar contracts on some good lawyers who will help keep them out of prison for purchasing all of those illegal steroids. Good riddance.

2. George “Shutdown” Sherrill. The O’s have a new closer every year, understanding there’s no point getting a top closer if there are no leads to protect. Shutdown Sherrill is a freshly minted closer with a cool nickname in tow.

3. Adam Jones, Luke Scott, and Nick Markakis. For the first time in a decade, our starting outfield doesn’t suck. In fact, Luke Scott is the old man of the group, so we can actually expect these guys to get better. What a novel concept. Getting guys when they are still improving instead of purchasing their bloated corpse for ten times market value.

4. Scott Moore is slated to start all three games in the Texas series. He’s also slated to play three different positions (3rd base, 2nd base, and 1st base). I love super utility guys. It’s like Little League.

5. Actual prospects! Adam Jones was the jewel of the Mariners system, and he’s now our centerfielder. No pitcher on the Opening Day roster has more than 15 wins in their entire career, which isn’t that bad of a sign since it’s because they are all youngsters, not piles of garbage (except Cabrera, who is both young and terrible – now that Gibbons has been cut he takes over the mantle of The Oriole Who I Hate). And there’s even more help on the horizon, especially in the form of catcher Matt Wieters, one of the top prospects in all of baseball. This means that while we may suck this year, this is bona fide hope we’re getting better.

6. Habit.

7. The last chance to see B-Rob before he inevitably gets traded to a contender. Brian Roberts has been the rarest of Orioles the last few years: a young, talented, and exciting player. The O’s have already shipped off our best player, Eric Bedard, so really it’s only a matter of time before some team clinging to some delusional playoff dream overpays us for a few month rental of our All-Star second baseman. Operators are standing by. And trade speculation is fun.

8. Camden Yards. Still pretty.

9. The flurry of “Why Not?” emails flooding my inbox from fellow delusional Oriole fans. Kevin Millar guaranteed a World Series this year. Why not?

10. Rooting for the Orioles shows character. Anyone can root for the Yankees. Rooting for the Yankees or the Red Sox shows you are a soulless front runner, and you are going to hell. You probably cheer for the hunter to kill Bambi’s mom, too.