I am one step closer to becoming a Texan. Not that I’m there yet, and I still am under a strict “howdy” ban, but I’m making progress. I finally registered my car in Texas, got a Texas driver’s license, and registered to vote. According to the state of Texas, I’m a citizen of this fine state.
Now I know that doesn’t actually count, so I’m thinking of the things I still need to do before I can actually call myself a Texan:
1) Wear a cowboy hat without looking like a moron.
2) Beat up someone from Oklahoma.
3) Learn the words to “Deep In the Heart of Texas”.
4) Attend a Pat Green concert.
5) Explain to a total stranger that Texas can secede from the union at any time.
6) Make an impassioned defense to a total stranger that Texas is the greatest state in the country.
7) Actually mean what I say in #6.
8) Go to Lubbock. If a Texan won’t do it, who will?
9) Learn to say the “t” in Baltimore. I’m never gonna have a Texas twang, but dropping Baw’lmer-ese would be a good start.
10) Learn how to navigate downtown Dallas.
8 comments:
I think you need an oil rig. Just to round things out.
Also, check your email. Since you never answer your phone or get on AIM anymore, I have to resort to writing you a letter. Sheesh.
The stars at night are big and bright *clap, clap, clap, clap* deep in the heart of Texas.
The sage in bloom is like perfume *clap, clap, clap, clap* deep in the heart of Texas
That should get you started
Be careful when you approach a man from Oklahoma to fight. He might reach for your scrotum before you can throw a punch and leave you sac-less.
1. The hat has become optional post-"DALLAS." Boots, however, are always in fashion.
2. The Red River Yankees are not worth your while. Just protect your family jewels while in bars.
3. "Deep in the Heart of Texas" is sung in addition to "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" during the 7th Inning stretch at Texas Rangers games. The words appear on the message boards. Buy a mini-plan and you'll get the idea.
5. Texas CAN secede from the union at any time because it is the only state which was, at one time a sovereign nation. Extremely appropriate to know on this, San Jacinto Day, when Sam Houston dispatched Santa Anna's armies once and for all.
8. Nothing lies between Lubbock and the North Pole but a mesquite tree and a barbed-wire fence.
Please tell me you still have your old license. That picture was priceless!
Don't do it, man...fight the power! And for God's sake, keep the Bawlmer accent. Otherwise, I'm gonna send Frank Pembleton and the ghost of Steve Crosetti to kick your ass!
Anon 7:58--
Texas isn't the only state that was an independent nation before statehood-- there are two others. Hawaii, of course, was a kingdom. Vermont is the other-- people assume it was one of the 13 colonies, but it was an independent nation before becoming the 14th state.
I spend some time there now and then, and (politics aside) there are striking similarities between the cultures of Texas and Vermont, marked in part by a certain sense of independence.
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