Pretend It Is Monday

On request by a loyal reader who knows of my deep and abiding hatred of the Colts, I shall now laugh with maniacal glee over their defeat this weekend. I’ve been unable to get to this because, well, Big Trial is sort of all-consuming. So pretend I wrote this on Monday.
I hate Bob Irsay, the owner who moved the Colts, with the passion of a thousand burning suns. When asked why, the answer is always the same, “He ruined my childhood.” Which is an exaggeration of course, but when the Colts left town, I was eight years old and I cried like, well, an eight-year old who just had his favorite team stolen in the middle of the night. I still won’t use Mayflower moving trucks. Imagine if the Cowboys moved. Same thing.

Then again, hating Bob Irsay is eminently reasonable. It seems silly to have a grudge against a guy who I never met and isn’t even alive anymore, but sports fandom is pretty silly anyway. Any time I’m feeling blue, I read a particularly savage Sports Illustrated piece from the mid-1980s on Irsay. I swear to God, I am not making any of these quotes up:

Pat Bernstein, the spokesperson for the Mayor of Baltimore William Donald Schaefer: “I don't think you ever get over betrayal like that. The presumption was always that the mayor was dealing with somebody who had some scruples.”

Robert Goldy, an attorney for one of the many coaches Irsay fired: “They [said we] would like the separation to be on a fair, dignified and gentlemanly basis. Their definition of those words is a puzzle to me. Maybe we don't read the same dictionary.”

Bert Jones, the star quarterback: “He lied and he cheated and he was rude and he was crude and he was Bob Irsay. He doesn't have any morals. It's a sad state for the NFL to be associated with him, but beyond that I've removed him from my mind.”

Mike McCormick, a former coach under Irsay: “Those were the two most unpleasant years of my life and I really don't care to comment further on it.”

OK, but those people were all burned by him professionally. Maybe they’re just bitter. How about his family?

Ronald Irsay, his brother: “I don't know how else to say this, but my brother tried to run my father out of business. Bob actually worked to try to destroy his own father. Oh, he's a real sweetheart, all right.”

Harriet Irsay, his wife of 39 years before filing for divorce: “Between his power and his drinking, he just became obnoxious.”

Elaine Irsay, his mother: ''He's a devil on earth, that one. He stole all our money and said goodbye. He don't care for me. I don't even see him for 35 years. My husband, Charles, sent him to college. I made his wedding. Five thousand dollars, it cost us. When my husband got sick and got the heart attack, he [Bob] took advantage. He was no good. He was a bad boy. I don't want to talk about him.''

Thank you, San Diego Chargers. You made my week.