Pretend It Is Monday

On request by a loyal reader who knows of my deep and abiding hatred of the Colts, I shall now laugh with maniacal glee over their defeat this weekend. I’ve been unable to get to this because, well, Big Trial is sort of all-consuming. So pretend I wrote this on Monday.
I hate Bob Irsay, the owner who moved the Colts, with the passion of a thousand burning suns. When asked why, the answer is always the same, “He ruined my childhood.” Which is an exaggeration of course, but when the Colts left town, I was eight years old and I cried like, well, an eight-year old who just had his favorite team stolen in the middle of the night. I still won’t use Mayflower moving trucks. Imagine if the Cowboys moved. Same thing.

Then again, hating Bob Irsay is eminently reasonable. It seems silly to have a grudge against a guy who I never met and isn’t even alive anymore, but sports fandom is pretty silly anyway. Any time I’m feeling blue, I read a particularly savage Sports Illustrated piece from the mid-1980s on Irsay. I swear to God, I am not making any of these quotes up:

Pat Bernstein, the spokesperson for the Mayor of Baltimore William Donald Schaefer: “I don't think you ever get over betrayal like that. The presumption was always that the mayor was dealing with somebody who had some scruples.”

Robert Goldy, an attorney for one of the many coaches Irsay fired: “They [said we] would like the separation to be on a fair, dignified and gentlemanly basis. Their definition of those words is a puzzle to me. Maybe we don't read the same dictionary.”

Bert Jones, the star quarterback: “He lied and he cheated and he was rude and he was crude and he was Bob Irsay. He doesn't have any morals. It's a sad state for the NFL to be associated with him, but beyond that I've removed him from my mind.”

Mike McCormick, a former coach under Irsay: “Those were the two most unpleasant years of my life and I really don't care to comment further on it.”

OK, but those people were all burned by him professionally. Maybe they’re just bitter. How about his family?

Ronald Irsay, his brother: “I don't know how else to say this, but my brother tried to run my father out of business. Bob actually worked to try to destroy his own father. Oh, he's a real sweetheart, all right.”

Harriet Irsay, his wife of 39 years before filing for divorce: “Between his power and his drinking, he just became obnoxious.”

Elaine Irsay, his mother: ''He's a devil on earth, that one. He stole all our money and said goodbye. He don't care for me. I don't even see him for 35 years. My husband, Charles, sent him to college. I made his wedding. Five thousand dollars, it cost us. When my husband got sick and got the heart attack, he [Bob] took advantage. He was no good. He was a bad boy. I don't want to talk about him.''

Thank you, San Diego Chargers. You made my week.

Puppies Are Cute

This is the week of Big Trial. So, like most PC students, I am extraordinarily cranky and sleep-deprived this week. Please do not tap on the glass.

I have to judge on Tuesday, do trial on Wednesday, sit on a jury on Thursday, and then witness for Titanic on Friday. All on top of class and studying for the Bar. I may be a little stressed right now, so proceed with caution. I also am not likely to be updating much this week.

So, take this time to look at some puppies.

Sir Edmund Hillary Was Really Cool

Sir Edmund Hillary, the first man to climb Mount Everest, died today. I use this as an excuse to link to the Times of London calling the rest of us a bunch of ninnies:

“The mountain is littered with aluminium ladders and thousands of feet of fixed rope,” he wrote. “Deep tracks are beaten up the mountain by dozens of eager feet. Even on Hillary Step near the summit there is usually a choice of three ropes to ascend.”

I think he's calling modern mountain climbers are bunch of sissies. That's right at you, Prof. Contracts. Of course, I'm such a sissy, I don't even climb the big rock at the Slick. Heck, I get dizzy just going to third floor of the BLS. Heights are bad. It's not that heights frighten me, it's falling from them that scares me.

Beauty Queens Go Bad

Law Student Traumatized? Really, how about the ex-boyfriend?

"I mean she has never had a problem with the law," her mother, Valerie Fulbright, said. "This whole ordeal has been traumatizing for her."

Police believe 25-year-old Kumari and three accomplices lured former boyfriend 24-year-old Joshua Conway into her home, where they allegedly held him at gunpoint for nearly 10 hours. Conway claims he was bound and tortured while a knife was in his ear.

I mean, talk about a misleading headline. Who cares about the guy bound up for 10 hours with a knife to his ear? There's a former beauty queen and law student who feels upset by the fact her alleged scheme to torture her ex has been uncovered! I feel really bad for her. She must be going through a living hell right now.

Yeesh. How about this for an idea? How about we feel for the trauma of crime victims and not their perpetrators? Because I'm feeling a little difficulty mustering up sympathy for the feelings of someone who could abduct someone by gunpoint. But maybe I'm just too cold-hearted.

Fear the Hat

Don't mind me... LSU fan gushing over his coach, who has been ridiculed all season long as not very good. Well, Miles has a big trophy that says otherwise:

34-6 = The Hat's Overall Record at LSU
19-5 = The Hat's SEC regular season record
15-5 = The Hat's record against Top 25 teams
13-4 = The Hat's record against Top 15 teams
7-3 = The Hat's record against Top 10 teams
3-0 = The Hat's Bowl Record
19-2 = The Hat's Home record
11-1 = The Hat's record in November
11-3 = The Hat's road record
4-1 = The Hat's record after November
2-0 = The Hat's record in BCS Bowls


2 SEC West Titles
1 SEC Championship
1 NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP

Oh, yeah.... and LSU is the first team to win two BCS titles. Suck it, USC.

Game Day!

I wanted to write a post on hating Ohio State today since today is game day. But honestly, I have no beef with the Buckeyes, even if their mascot is a nut. I like the Sweater Vest even. So you're not gonna hear me say something like there is no such thing as Ohio culture, and since our head coach is from Ohio, he had the good sense to go to school in Michigan and coach at LSU. Because that would be uncalled for. There will also be no references to OSU as "Slowhio" due to their perceived lack of speed. I will also not make fun their immobile quarterback, Todd Boeckmann, who may spend tomorrow night enjoying Louisiana medical care after Glenn Dorsey hits him so hard that he recovers memories from childhood. I also certainly will not make a below the belt cheap shot about Ohio State's 0-for-forever bowl record versus SEC teams.

Because I'm above things like that. May the better team win (READ AS: LSU).

GEAUX TIGERS!!!

The Death Knell

I'm a fan of horror movies. and not just any horror movies, but I also enjoy BAD horror movies. I've seen all three Leprechaun films, okay? So I know there's a certain arc to the death throes of a once-proud franchise. There's the one sequel too many, followed by the misguided cross-over movie, and then, only every once in a blue moon, the comedy. It's kind of sad to watch, but most horror franchise die in some terrible movie with D-list actors and the word "Versus" in the title.

Which, of course, bring me to Alien v. Predator 2. I haven't seen, nor do I really have plans to, but Matt saw it yesterday, prompting the rest of us to pop in the original. And it struck me that this was the one horror movie that deserved a better fate. Mainly because it was always more than just a horror movie. It was an actual movie, with plot and characters and all of that other stuff that so rarely gets used in movies anymore. The famed chest bursting scene doesn't take place until the movie is almost at the one hour mark. You don't see the Alien until about twenty minutes after that, when Harry Dean Stanton is taking one for the team. The Alien is probably only on screen for five minutes total, and that's pushing it. The movie was more about the interaction of seven people stuck in the middle of the nowhere.

But the franchise ends up the same way as Jason, Freddy, the Wolfman, and Dracula. Slumming it in some lame movie slapped together in a weekend which just seems like an excuse to make a video game. That's sort of sad. Good thing this doesn't happen to movies like Casablanca. Though I would like to see Rick take on Atticus Finch.

Tearful Farewells

Well, I'm back in the land of computer access after a blissful holiday spent doing holiday things like Midnight Mass, hanging out with a family full of Davids, and roasting chestnuts and all that.

My mom ruined a perfectly idyllic moment as I was headed to the airport. cut to the scene:

ME: I love you, Mom.
MOM: I love you, David.
ME: I'm not David.

I wasn't upset though. My mom has a husband named David and a child named David. She was just being a good gambler and playing the percentages.

Feliz Navidad!

As my family sleeps in on this Christmas this year, since I am the youngest person in the house and we went to Midnight Mass, I am left to sit online and rate the gifts Santa left in my stocking this year.

A PASSING GRADE IN PC. Santa, you really shouldn’t have. It even looked all shiny and new under the tree. I will love it and hug it and name it George.

A “GUMMI BEAR” REPLICA STATUE. Have you ever walked past the big green monstrosity in front of the building and thought to yourself, “I wish that came in a smaller size which I could use as a paperweight?” Well, now I can spend hours trying to decipher the markings in the bear’s body. I think it’s an old Sicilian message: Luca Brazi sleeps with the fishes.

BLS PROFESSOR BOBBLEHEADS. Prof. Evidence in a three-piece suit and sporting a pocket watch. Prof. CivPro, pre-facial hair. And the retro Prof. Contracts, already poised to throw me out of class. Not a bad a haul. And I can ask them legal questions and, for the first time, have them agree with me.

THE MATT ACOSTA DO-IT-YOURSELF LAW MEMO KIT. Sponsored by Poseur HQ’s favorite PC partner, just insert a memo topic, what law to apply, and presto! The Law Memo Kit will spit out a four-page, properly cited legal memo. Perfect for when you get thrown out of class for not having read the 20-page dissent.

AN OSLER CHRISTMAS CD. Actually, this one is true. Boy, does he hate the Chipmunks. But a very cool gift.

AN EMPTY DIPLOMA FRAME. One month away, right? No pressure.

THE ANSWERS TO THE TEXAS BAR. Thanks to for breaking into the State Bar offices and stealing the answer key. I now feel like I’ve wasted that money on BarBri*.

*Dear Intent to Study Law People – This is a joke. I do not have the answer key. Please do not revoke my permission to take the Bar. I promise not to make fun of the Bar exam in the future.

PS – BarBri is SO worth the money. Thank you for selling it to me, Trevor.

When The Weather Outside Is Frightful

It's 32 degrees outside and the clouds are co-operating by giving us precipitation. But it is raining. RAIN?! Hasn't anyone heard of a White Christmas? No one dreams of a soggy Christmas. Come on, God. Get your act together and give us some good old fashioned snow for the holidays. That is, if you're not too busy trying to work out that peace on earth thing. If you are, no biggee. I'll carry an umbrella.

Bowl Games!

Some people think there are too many Bowl Games. These people are no fun, and probably cheer for Mr. Potter in It's A wonderful Life. Because I love lots of meaningless football games.

Last night, things kicked off with the Poinsetta Bowl in which Utah barely beat Navy in what was an incredibly exiciting game. The game was notable for several reasons:

1. There was a key call in the game which went against the Naval Academy. After the game, the referees apologized for messing up the call and essentially making Utah win. Which proves that referees hate America. They screwed over the Naval Academy. I hope they are happy.

2. The game is called the Poinsetta Bowl. A poinsetta is a flower. There is a football game named after a flower. I think that is awesome.

3. Navy's quarterback is named Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada. Hawaii's quarterback, by the way, is Colt Brennan, which sounds Texan. This is not right. At least Texas' QB is Colt McCoy, which is arguably the most Texan name ever.

Playing Movie Critic

I finally got around to seeing No Country for Old Men, the most recent Coen Brothers movie. It's been praised to high heavens, and it is a really good movie, but it is hard movie to love. Which is odd, since I absolutely love the Coen Brothers and find their movies, if anything, too lovable. But they made a movie that can be parsed and analyzed until kingdom come, which, let's face it, is entirely up my alley. If anything, I like to over analyze my movies, TV, and music.

The Coens are the greatest thing to ever come out of Texas (Matt Acosta is a close second). And looking at their career, it's pretty damn amazing. They've won at Sundance (Blood Simple), Cannes (Barton Fink), and the Oscars (Fargo). And just about everything in between. they've made two undeniable cult classics (Big Lebowski and O Brother Where Art Thou?) and what I personally believe is the funniest movie ever made (Raising Arizona). Heck, and that's not even mentioning Miller's Crossing.

So they are finally getting their due as perhaps the greatest directors on the planet. Most people are lucky to make one great movie. Hell, look at Coppola, he made The Godfather and the rest of his career is pretty darn mediocre. It's like he had this one great thing and once he was done, that was pretty much it. OK, Scorcese is still cranking out the movies, but how much of his rep is tied to just always getting the best actors in the world to work for him? Who can't make Robert DiNiro look good? The Coens greatest movie might still be their first, Blood Simple, and the big star in that is Dan Hedeya who is best known for being the dad in Clueless. No Country's big star is Tommy Lee Jones, but the guy who dominates the screen is Javier Bardem, and you've never heard of him.

Is it their best movie? I don't think so. It would be most people's best, but it runs against some stiff competition here. But I'd like to see it when the Oscar anyway, just for lifetime achievement. Because no one makes better movies than the Coens.

Infected With Christmas Spirit

Important Rule of Thumb:

You are never too busy to watch a bunch of little kids sing Christmas songs. That was really cool today, and thanks to everyone responsible for bringing in the Sol Ros choir to sing to us. I was wearing a grin from ear to ear, and now find it absolutely impossible to shake the Christmas spirit.

There was singing, dancing, musical solos, and even a pinata. They even sang a song telling us they thought we were cool. Which is patently untrue in my case, but I'm sure there are some cool law students and they were probably singing to them. I had a blast.

Poseur HQ Out To Lunch

One of the problems with suing approximately one hundred parties in our Big Trial is that when the opposition files a motion for no-evidence summary judgment... well, it takes a long time to write because there's so many causes of action. Of course, I blame Matt.

Anyway, I am kind of busy with this thing. No posts today. You actually had to pay attention in class. Sorry. My bad. Or Matt's. One of the two. Probably both.

Born Under A Bad Sign

I've attended a lot of sporting events over my life, but I think I'm either going to stop going or just rent out my services as a Cooler. I literally can't remember the last time I went to a sporting event and the team I was rooting for actually won. I can't even go to a winning LSU football game (which is why I will watch the title game from Waco).

The Posette* won Cowboys tickets and we went up to Dallas for the game. Now, I'm not a Cowboys fan, but I do have a healthy dislike of the Eagles and I was willing to fake it. So I put on a blue and silver shirt and cheered on the home team to defeat. If you're looking for someone to blame for TO's sudden inability to catch a pass... look no further than my attendance at the game. Teams should hire me to send to games to root for the other team. I'm batting close to 1.000 in this century. For example, LSU went 13-1 in 2003. I went to one game. Take a guess which one.

Ed. Note - I'm still working on a nickname for my better half. The Posette is the first stab at it, but I'm not too happy with it. Feel free to email me with suggestions.

Prom!

It's amazing how the BLS is sometimes just like high school. And I didn't much like high school the first time. Today is the social event of the BLS year: law prom. The day in which we regress to those old roles and relive those days of bad prom dresses and even worse hairdos. Only now with alcohol!*

In an effort to be just like high school, some of the 3L's (the seniors) are making plans to not go to law prom. Just like senior prom! All we need is someone to dump a bucket of pig's blood on the weird girl no one likes... oh, I've said too much. that didn't happen at my high school either...

*Ed Note -- Once again, this is a Baptist school. We would never drink alcohol. Or dance. Or gamble. And we certainly wouldn't do it all in one place. Like Knox Hall at 9 PM tonight.

Reliving Bad Trades

The Orioles traded their superstar shortstop, Miguel Tejada to the Astros. That sound you hear is me slapping my Dorito-stained hands together in maniacal glee. It’s not that I hate Miguel Tejada for being an overpaid, whiny, no-defense-playing, choke-in-the-clutch drain on my favorite team. I’m sure he’s nice to kittens and gives money to charity and all that. And it’s hard not to be whiny discontent on a team as lousy as the O’s. But let’s just say that it’s rarely a good sign when the star player gets traded and the fanbase’s general reaction is “Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.”

And the Astros gave up a lot. It makes me want to hug a Houstonian, so be on guard in school today. Luke Scott is already the O’s third best position player (which says more about the crappiness of the O’s). Troy Patton is rated as the Astros top prospect and Mike Costanzo is their top position prospect (which says more about the crappiness of the Astros’ farm system). AND the O’s got two other pitchers who might one day mop up the next 30-3 Orioles loss. This is the best trade the Orioles have made in two decades (which says everything about the crappiness of the O’s front office).

The O’s have been gunshy ever since executing one of the worst trades in the history of organized sports. In 1991, the Orioles traded for a power-hitting first baseman from the Astros, Glenn Davis. Davis spent the next three years alternating between being hurt and sucking so badly that I wished he was hurt. He managed to hit 24 home runs… in three years. And all it cost the Orioles was Steve Finley, Pete Harnisch, and Curt Schilling.

Harnisch was probably the worst player the O’s gave up and he made the All-Star team in 1991. He would pitch until 2001 as a league average starter. Steve Finley would make two All-Star teams, win five Gold Gloves, and generally be a really good player until he retired this year. Curt Schilling is a borderline Hall of Famer for his ability to pitch and self-promote. So, the O’s traded a useful league average pitcher, a really good centerfielder, and a truly great pitcher for 24 home runs over three seasons. This was the kind of bad trade which ruins a franchise… oh, wait. It did.

What goes around comes around. You’re welcome, Houston fans. Enjoy Tejada’s decline.

Getting Ever So Close To the Finish Line

I bought a cap and gown today. I have an email from Jeri in my inbox about voting for graduation speaker (and no, there will be no SoTheBearSays sort of campaign to be speaker from me). My mom booked a hotel for graduation weekend.

All this is very ambitious given that I haven't received my Evidence grade yet.

Chavez Thinks He's Playing A Drinking Game

What fun is being a South American dictator if you can't do wacky things like invent your own time zone? If we had played Name That Dictator with this fact pattern, I probably would have guessed Kim Jong-il, so it's good to see Chavez jumping up the Nucking Futs rankings. It's also a a relief to see a power-hungry ruler flaunt his power without killing large parts of the population.

Apparently someone was a little peeved their reform referendum didn't get passed by the voters. Chavez was unavailable for comment, as he is busy building a castle for himself made of cheese.

Charity Work

2:30 today! I get to be Santa Claus for women's Legal Society's toy drive for the kids of Sul Ross Elementary. I finally get to live up to the name of this blog and lie to small children about my true identity.

And I have been practicing my "Ho, ho, ho!" and memorizing the names of the reindeer in case someone tries to quiz me. Quizno's is a reindeer, right?

The Supremes

The Texas Supreme Court heard two oral arguments here at the BLS today, and if you did not attend, you really missed out. If nothing else, it's great to have a face to put with the names we keep reading over and over again. But the cases were interesting and it was a real treat to see lawyers actually arguing before the court in the very same room Prof. Contracts told me exactly how dumb I was.

My favorite question involved one of the justices creating a hypo related to the movie Risky Business (for real). And then this gem of a quote from one of the advocates:

"I agree the facts are undisputed. I do not agree with the petitioner's recitation of them."

I love lawyers.

Psychology of a Fight

I'm usually the level-headed one on our flag football team, which runs contrary to my personality. But it's usually someone else throwing a football at someone's head. I guess last night was my turn as I almost got in a fight during law school intramurals, which is even dumber when you write it out. Really, who cares?

However, at the time, I loomed over the kid with all of my looming ability. Yes, I can loom, and yes, it is a skill which requires practice. I like to take 6'2" out for a spin occasionally. And despite being at least six inches shorter and fifty pounds lighter than me, the other guy seemed ready to go. So you have to admire his spunk while questioning his judgment. Not that my judgment was all that stellar. Cooler heads prevailed and we shook hands.

After all, it's just intramural flag football. Even if I was ready to drop gloves. Which begs the question... why?

Imus the Not Funny

Don Imus, he of the famed "nappy headed ho" comment, is back on the radio. He, is of course promising to lead a national dialogue on race relations, which should be about as helpful as being lectured on nutrition by Rosie O'Donnell.

Seriously, can't he just stay off the air? It's not that I find him offensive, it's that I have never laughed once listening to his show. Not once. I don't think i'm alone in finding him not funny because never in my life has anyone walked up to me and said, "Did you hear what Imus said today?" Being funny ought to be a prerequisite for hosting a radio comedy show.

Apparently not. He gtes to stay on air just because he's always been on the radio.

We're #2!

That loud beeping noise you hear is LSU backing into the national title game. I will take it. Thank you, West Virginia, for choking like dogs. The state of Louisiana thanks you.

Pit Pat And Olympic Mascots

There's nothing quite like the unveiling of the Olympic mascot. The world shudders in the anticipation someone will have developed a mascot worse than the sperm-like Izzy from Atlanta 1996, and then breathes a collective sigh of relief when it's not that awful. Which is a generous scale as most Olympic mascots are pretty awful.

A good rundown can be found here.

The Athens mascots freaked the hell out of me. Though the Torino mascots bring back memories of the Mr. Show sketch about Pit-Pat (WARNING: More profanity than you ever thought possible in the following clip*). How hard is it to dress a guy up in a bear costume?


*Ed Note - Even better, one of the actors on that show is now the voice for SpongeBob Squarepants. That just makes me happy. He went from transvestite cookie manufacturers to a sponge living in a coconut under the sea... which isn't THAT much of a stretch now that I think about it.

Trial Daze

I did part of my trial observation for PC yesterday, along with seeming half of the PC class. It was probably the first time either of the lawyers had given an argument in front of packed galleries. We should’ve painted our faces and started cheering for a side. Though the judge may have frowned on that behavior.

The defendant in the case had a mohawk. I don’t being the cutesy David Beckham style faux-hawk. I mean a shaved head except for the stripe of hair in the middle. Even better, he had a gigantic spider tattoo on the side of his head. Now, when you are in a breach of contract case and you are sporting a Mohawk and an impressive spider tattoo on the side of your head (and on the side which faced the jury… bad luck there), you have some image problems right off the bat.

Unfortunately, he missed the chance to soften his image. Here are some of the possibilities:
- Doctoring the tattoo. Give the spider a tie.
- Shave the mohawk. Decidedly non-hardcore and not the course I’d recommend.
- Dye the mohawk. He had grey hair, so he was an old mohawk dude. Go all out, man. You already have a Mohawk, just get some Manic Panic and die the thing Baylor green and gold. Or select a jury full of UT grads and go for burnt orange.
- Get another tattoo. Something along the lines of “INNOCENT”.

Obscure Sports Update

In news you don't care about, but I do; the T-Mobile cycling team has folded.

T-Mobile was the big rival of the US Postal team, so they played the New Jersey Generals to Lance Armstrong's Harlem Globetrotters. Before that, they spent five years playing runner-up to Miguel Indurain. T-Mobile make the Buffalo Bills look like pikers.

Jan Ullrich is the symbol of this team. He won a Tour de France between Armstrong and Indurain's long dynasties, but he spent most of his career doing two things: finishing second to Lance and getting busted for drugs. His list of blood doping sins is pretty impressive: EPO, steroids, he even got busted for using Ecstasy. Just in case the Tour was gonna play techno. And that's just the stuff he got CAUGHT doing. Here's a guy who spent his entire career playing second fiddle to one of the greatest cyclists ever, and he used every means on earth to try and beat him... and he still failed. Ullrich is one of the most tragic figures in all international sports.

But let's remember T-Mobile for the good times: their absolute total team dysfunction which made cycling seem like the Days of Our Lives, the sheer number of great riders that rode for them (Riis, Ullrich, Vinokourov, Kloden), and of course the Greatest sprinter in the history of cycling: Erik Zabel. While Lance was racking up yellow jerseys, Zabel kept racking up sprinting titles. Their twin dominance was pretty awesome.

I already miss those pink jerseys.

The Meaning of LSU Losing

I sported the LSU colors after the big defeat. Osler waxed eloquent on the meaning of sports, as if to spite me on my week of defeat.

Actually, I had a good time at the game, and while we tanked the national title, we still can tailgate with the best of them. I personally liked the guy walking around with a pig's head on a stick. Yes, it was a real pig. And I'm an adult and will not let a football game, albeit one my uncle described as the Most Disappointing Loss In LSU History, determine my mood. I had a nice trip and got to see some family I rarely get to see. So it was a good trip and I am in a good mood.

But, God. That game sucked. And I still can't watch football. My new-found maturity only extends so far.

Road Trip!

Well, I drove 500 miles to Baton rouge to watch LSU blow a national title. That was fun. Not as much fun as driving 500 miles back.

We stopped in Lafayette on our ride down, about where we were about to be redirected an hour out of our way due to gas fires knocking out a bridge (got to love Louisiana). Lafayette's slogan is apparently "You Should Have Gone Before You Left." It was only a little after 11 PM when we stopped to get gas and make a much needed pit stop. But there was a sign taped to the gas station door which read:

"BATHROOM BROKEN. PLEASE USE THE PORT-A-POTTY AROUND BACK"

I'm not the snootiest guy on earth, so fine. I'll use the Port-A-Potty. Unfortunately, it had been raining all day, non stop, making for a delightful drive, and also creating what can only be described as a lake around the Port-A-Potty. Since I hadn't brought my rubber boots, we decided to go across the street to the fast food joint to use their restroom.

Wendy's? Closed.
Burger King? Closed.
Taco Bell? Closed. Sheesh, Taco Bell only gets business after 10 PM once people stop caring about the quality of the food they ingest. How can they close at 11?

So we stop again at an Exxon station at which the helpful employee gives us a bathroom key and tells us the bathroom is around back. Now, I've been in some disgusting bathrooms in my life, but I don't think I've ever been in one I've spent this much effort to find. The floor was literally covered in urine-soaked toilet paper which begs the question: did someone soak it the toilet paper in urine and THEN decorate the bathroom artfully with it, or did they add the toilet paper as an addition? Like the urine wasn't enough for the decor and they suddenly hit on the idea of then flinging toilet paper all over the place.

I walked out of there and looked at Jude and he said I was white as a sheet and just told him "Don't touch anything." When I finally arrived at my uncle's in Baton Rouge, I think I took a one hour shower to wash that place off of me.

Then LSU lost to friggin' Arkansas. At least Thanksgiving was fun.

Just Like We Drew It Up

Flag football has returned to the BLS. And that gave me a chance to flash my quick moves and actually score on an impromptu pitchback play that involved a lot of bobbling of the ball. Let's review: my knee is held together by staples, Saran Wrap, and that sticky tack you use to hang posters in a dorm room. I should never, ever, ever outrun anyone to anything. Except maybe a buffet line, but that's just because I throw elbows.

I even got to do a gratuitous dive into the end zone. For one shining moment: Baker was a speed demon.

Stats and Monpoly

I'm a firm believer in applying academic rigor to things which essentially have no meaning. It's why I do things like applying statutory construction to the baseball rulebook or invent football statistics for my own use. There is nothing quite like letting a good mind go to waste.

Which is why I must salute the uber-nerd who applied statistical probability in order to figure out how to win at Monopoly. that was an afternoon well-spent. Now, if he could only take the time to analyze Connect Four.

Whoops

On Friday, I was sitting in the PC room studying and listening to my iPod. Which makes it a pretty typical morning. PC III starts at 9:15, but at 8:00 AM Prof. PC walked in and started asking a few general questions. Being a generally attentive guy, I took off my earbuds and answered a few questions. This went on for about five minutes, and then it struck me...

This was Advanced Trial Prep, a class for which I am not enrolled. Now, I'm sure a lot of you have accidentally been in the wrong class before. But how many of you have actually participated in that class for five minutes AND THEN realized you were in the wrong class?

I should not be allowed to socialize before coffee.

Led Zeppelin Moves In

A band has moved into my apartment building. They live downstairs, and they suck. Not that if the White Stripes moved in downstairs and decided to start practicing during the day would I think that was really cool either. I'm not at home for most of the day, so it's not the biggest of deals, but when I get home from school, I don't like the idea of some garage band working on their rendition of some Pearl Jam cover.

Also, one of the key parts of a garage band is a garage. They don't call them apartment bands.

But I am very excited they have a drummer. Because drummers are loud.

We Get Political

I try to avoid politics here at Poseur HQ. Mainly because I used to work in politics and now because of that experience, I'm far too cynical to believe in either party. I like to use the old shorthand that Republicans are evil and Democrats are incompetent, knowing fully well this isn't true. Each party's leadership is both evil AND incompetent.

But I don't think I'm stepping out on a huge limb when I say that the Iraq War was a really bad idea. Not counting the death toll, which is a cost I find unacceptable, the bill came due:

The financial toll of America's wars in Afghanistan and Iraq was laid bare yesterday when a congressional committee estimated the cost of both conflicts at $1.6 trillion (£771bn) and rising - $20,000 for every family of four in the US.

The LA Times says that's a lowball estimate and we could be looking at a $3 trillion bill. Considering there are contractors involved, I'd expect the cost to keep going up just like the bill on your home renovations.

Twenty thousand dollars per family. Couldn't they have just cut me a check?

Your First Time

Emily and I have an informal book exchange in which we try and push our literary tastes on the other. Since she has excellent taste, this works out rather well for me while she gets stuck reading Chuck Palahniuk novels. Anyway, she's been trying to get me to read Michael Chabon's first novel, The Mysteries of Pittsburgh, for quite some time and I finally cracked it open this weekend.

It's his first novel, and there is rarely anything in literature (or film or movies) as exciting as someone's first work. There is the limitless potential of what is going to happen from here. All the flaws in the work can be forgiven as simply their first attempt and all you can see is where this person might one day go. Sometimes they are Orson Welles and Citizen Kane and this is as good as it ever gets. Or they could be Chabon, who has since won a Pulitzer Prize for The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Klay, not to mention other great books like Wonder Boys and The Yiddish Policeman's Union.

I love that first work. That feeling of discovery when you finish and think to yourself, "this person is going to be great." There's no career long disappointment yet (I'm looking at you, Quentin Tarantino and the Stone Roses). When someone is still finding their voice and is still unashamed to blatantly rip off The Great Gatsby, a book that should be ripped off more often. Because I'm sick of people ripping off The Catcher In the Rye, a book which really wasn't that good in the first place. Just for fun, read Jonathan Yardley's epic takedown of Salinger. Though it is not the most overrated book ever, as that is an honor reserved for On the Road.

It was written in one sitting? Really? It shows.

Spilling Oil

The Coast Guard claims the recent oil spill off the San Francisco coast was "due to human error." I would certainly hope so. The alternative expalantion is that there is a computer or mechanical process which results in dumping oil off the California coast. While I'm not oil and gas expert, that seems like a bad business plan.

The HAL 900 computer was unavailable for comment.

Armistice Day

Eighty-eight years ago, the Germans signed a peace treaty surrendering the Allied forces, ending World War I, the bloodiest and most senseless war in human history. Actually, that's not entirely true. They signed a peace treaty on November 10th, but everyone involved thought it would be cool if the war would end at 11:00 on 11/11. So they signed a treaty and then issued orders for the two armies to keep killing each other right up until the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month. Of all the reasons the military leaders of World War I are going to hell, this has to rank up there. They just casually killed a few hundred people because they thought it would be neat.

OK, more people died during World War II thanks to the Holocaust and the outright murder of the Russian peasantry. World War I is only bloodier if you limit it to military casualties. Not that World War I didn't have its share of horrible war crimes. the term "holocaust" was first used to describe the one million Armenians the Ottomans murdered. A systematic genocide the US still won't officially condemn because the Turkish government still denies it ever happened.

Pretty much every awful thing from the Twentieth Century comes from World War I: Nationalism, Yugoslavia, genocide, the partition of the Middle East, the collapse of colonialism in Africa (which seemed like a good idea at the time but we ended up with Rwanda and the Sudan), poetry which doesn't rhyme, modern art, doughnuts... ok, those were good. But you get the point.

Despite the Great War's tremendous importance, it is virtually forgotten. I went to Books A Million to pick up a book on WWI and despite having an entire aisle dedicated to military history, 80% of those books were on either the Civil War or World War II. And they had exactly zero books on the Great War. Zero.

So, here is your bit of WWI knowledge: the bloodiest battle in US history is not Normandy or Gettysburg: it is Meuse-Argonne. Officially, 26,277 Americans were killed and 95,768 Americans were wounded. There are no official numbers, but the Battle of Bellau Wood may be the bloodiest day in US military history as the AEF thought it would be a good idea to try and attack without artillery support. The army took huge casualties but took the German position, in a move thought to be impossible. The casualty list was so horrifying that it was simply listed as part of another major battle (2nd Marne). The Battle of Bellau Wood never officially happened. The soldiers are lost, forgotten to memories.

They were heroes. I remember them.

Evidence Exam

Let's see...

There were 60 questions on the Evidence exam, most questions having 10 possible answers. So, if I just guessed, I had a one in ten chance of getting it right. For every ten questions, I should get one right.

Following that calculus, I got six right on the exam. Go, me. Maybe it is easier the second time I take the class.

Playoff Beards

One of the few good things about finals is the sudden appearance of playoff beards. The playoff beard is one of those things which say, "Hey, I'm working hard and therefore don't have time to shave." It is the only time a bunch of people in Texas will act like hockey players. I like that we're borrowing traditions from hockey. Next we should adopt fighting. Remember kids, drop the gloves and THEN pull the jersey over the other guy's head.

Unfortunately, at the end of the week, no one will hand me a large trophy to skate around. Which is one of life's little disappointments. But there will be a party, so I guess that will be okay instead.

And don't worry, the beards will disappear on Friday. They lose their power after finals and therefore must be shaved off.

Otnemem

I really meant to study Evidence last night, but the PC exam pretty much destroyed any will I had left to live. So instead I sat around, ate pretzels, and watched Memento for the three hundred and eighty-second time.* At least I can claim it is a movie about evidence. Even more so than Elizabeth, despite the glaring lack of Sir Walter Raleigh.

In fact, the entire movie hinges on a non-material, errant fact (the license plate number) leads Lenny to kill the wrong guy. Yes, I'm giving away the plot to movie that is seven years old, deal with it. If you haven't seen it yet, you weren't going to see it. By the way, Rosebud is a sled. And Bruce Willis is dead for the entire movie.

Anyway, the movie also leaves us with a very interesting evidentiary question: what actually happened? Teddy tells Lenny (and therefore, us) the entire backstory, but Teddy is proven throughout the movie to be a gigantic liar. We can't trust Lenny's version because he has no short-term memory and lacks a pretty basic testamentary capacity. Natalie is only using Lenny to kill Teddy, so she's not very reliable either. What are we left with when there are NO reliable witnesses? Is this movie the greatest example of the equal inference rule? All of the evidence points to contrary conclusions, none more likely than the other.

I've decided that Lenny probably killed his own wife. But only by a preponderance of the evidence. I'm not convinced beyond a reasonable doubt. See, even my breaks from studying are still studying. Proving once again that PC has ruined my life.

*That number is just a guess. But it's a lot.

Ancient Conceptions of Beauty

King Tut, the world's most famous pharaoh for apparently having the misfortune not to hide his burial site well enough three thousand years ago, had his face revealed to the public for the first time yesterday.

Here's how the curators describe his face:

"The face of the golden pharaoh is amazing," said Egyptian antiquities supremo Zahi Hawass, pulling back the linen bandages to reveal a body resembling a badly burnt skeleton.

"It has magic, it has mystery, it has beauty and his buck teeth are similar to the rest of his family's. Putting the mummy in this case will make the golden king live forever."

Now, here's photo:

We have rather different standards of beauty, me and Zahi. Though I am willing to concede Tut doesn't look a day over 2,000.

Spears' Money Management

A quick breakdown of Britney's monthly expenses:

$102,000 Entertainment, gifts, and travel
$49,267 Mortgage
$16,000 Clothes
$15,000 Child support
$20,000 Spousal support
$4,758 Eating out
$500 Charitable contributions
$0 Education
$0 Savings and investments

I'm going to go out on a limb and say while it's a bad idea for Britney to not be saving or investing any of her $737,000 monthly income, she should probably be slightly more concerned about the $0 in education.

Though I am completely baffled how she is spending $16,000 in clothes considering she rarely appears fully clothed.

Kickers and The Meaning of Life

In my quest to not study for PC finals, I stumbled across this article on placekickers. I found most of it to be fascinating, given that kickers hold a unique place in the sports landscape. I can think of no other position in sports like it. Kickers aren't really considered part of the team and their successes are usually forgotten while their failures are forever remembered. Think Scott Norwood who, believe or not, was a really good kicker. But we know him as the guy who shanked the kick in the Super Bowl.

Anyway, the article focuses on the one kicker who has busted out of the kicker ghetto: Adam Vinatieri. But let's be honest, he's considered a clutch kicker because of three kicks. Three. His whole career boils down to about 20 seconds. If he misses just one of those kicks, he's a nobody. He misses two... well, he's bagging groceries in Iowa right now.

But here's the thing, Vinatieri isn't that much better than any other kicker, really. He hits about 26 of every 30 FG attempts, making him slightly above average. But here's the thing: two more makes and he's an All-Pro. Two more misses and he's out of a job. That's pressure. Essentially, EVERY kick in a kicker's life is a big kick. Every moment is a job interview. There's no such thing as a clutch kicker because every kick is a clutch kick.

Even stranger to me is that kicking field goals isn't the most important part of a kicker's job. Almost every kicker hits about the same amount of their attempts, so there's really no difference between Vinatieri and Kicker X. The big difference is kickoffs. and strangely enough, despite his reputation as the Greatest Kicker Ever, Vinatieri is not that great a kickoffs. He's got a distinctly average leg. He only managed two touchbacks so far this year, which is not very good especially given how often the Colts kick off. So, the only kicker to be respected as a Football Player is not very good at one of his two job functions.

There's a lesson there, but I can't quite grasp it.

Studying

Well, PC Finals Week is here. I've decided to kick it off the old-fashioned way, by finding out Bill can't pull any of the data from my fried laptop. So I think there's going to be a little bit of time spent re-reading all of the cases. That should only take a few hours, right?

So, I guess I'll see the lower quarters in PC next year...

You Are... Penn State And You Suck

In my younger days, I may have been guilty of some bad fan behavior. I have, and still to this day, will "Tiger Bait!" the opposition fans. But I never, ever acted like this. Which is probably the worst fan behavior I've ever seen*:



It's hard to identify the worst part about it, but I'll try: these jerks actually posted this on the internet themselves because they thought it was funny. It has of course now taken on a life of its own, even generating so many complaints even from Penn State's own fanbase that the university has issued a form letter to respond.

Verbal taunting kind of goes with the territory of going to a rival school's home game. Verbal insults probably cross the line, and profanity always does. But physically attacking the other team's fans is not just over the line, it is illegal.

I think the best take on it is from the M-Zone. I will simply add the standard "me, too" to their comments. Look, we're talking about behavior so egregious even MICHIGAN fans know it is wrong.

*Ed Note - OK, excluding soccer hooligans. But soccer hooligans are basically an organized street gang, so that is hardly comparable.

Yes, My Knee Hurts.

One of the running jokes of our Mock Trial team has been that my knee is so messed up that it is the only knee pain on the planet which is communicable. Since returning from Key West, only Dez has managed to avoid hurting his knee in the following week. Christie is already planning my impending doom, as she blames me for her recent ACL tear. The Pandora’s Box of knee pain was opened when I decided to dance on Friday night, which is a bad idea for two reasons:

1. I am a terrible dancer.
2. My knee has the stability of the average African government

So, Osler made fun of me today by listing a whole bunch of fake knee injuries I have incurred over the course of my life. The thing is, he left off a true injury which may be better than any of his fake injuries. Oh, and he guessed wrong on my first injury. The first surgery I had on my leg was in 1982 when I stepped on a needle. Due to my already burgeoning hatred of doctors, I walked around with a needle in my foot for three months. Somehow I did not develop gangrene. I showed them, right?

Anyway, my favorite knee injury is this: I blew out my knee playing croquet. Yes, croquet. If you blow out your knee playing croquet, the doctors will make fun of you. In fact, you’ll have three doctors and ten nurses in your room who all want to get your history just so they can ask “So, how did you hurt you knee?”

This was actually my favorite surgery (an odd turn of phrase), as I had cadaver surgery. They placed a dead guy’s ligament in my knee which is one of those things I am far too fascinated by*. While I’m not sure if it came from a carnie, it would not surprise me. This was in Baltimore, and it is based not to ask where the hospital gets their spare parts. There’s a reason people don’t go near Johns Hopkins alone at night: med students can’t be trusted.

Oh, and Osler is not kidding about the Vulcan neck pinch. Gordon poked me in the throat in order to prevent me from further injuring myself. This was a pretty remarkable decision on Gordon’s part, as he realized two things about me after spending a weekend with me: I will not listen to reason and I’m the sort of person who would find getting poked in the throat funny. Well played, GED.

*Ed Note- Much like the Dutch. Don’t ask.

Best Play Ever?

Seriously, watch this play. It is simply unbelievable. Fifteen laterals on the final play to win the game? Just crazy. Way to go, obscure Texas college football.

Birthdays At Poseur HQ

This week marked the birthday of the Official Brother of Poseur. We're kind of impressed we've both made it so far despite our repeated attempts to kill one another. A brief recap:

- He pushed me down a flight of stairs. It's actually my earliest memory.

- I locked him in his room via a complicated series of ropes and pulleys.

- Our favorite game as kids was to go into the woods and beat each other with large sticks.

- He sent his scary high school dropout friends to beat me up once. For no particular reason, he just wanted to see if I could talk my way out of it. I did.

- He hit me with a dart. By the way, that hurts.

- It was my idea to ride in a taxi in Rome, which was the most harrowing experience of my life. If I can teach you one thing, it is this: never, ever, EVER get into a taxi in Rome and tell the driver, "Follow that car." Because he will.

Happy birthday, bro.

The Value of Facebook

Facebook is being invaded by Bill Gates:

Microsoft and Facebook, based in Palo Alto, jointly announced Wednesday that the software giant would pay $240 million for a 1.6 percent stake in the 3-year-old company that is invading the home-page turf of such Internet giants as Google, Yahoo, AOL and Microsoft's own MSN.

Industry observers say Microsoft was willing to pay a steep premium to prevent Facebook from striking a similar agreement with Google or other suitors. While the deal does not put a formal value on the privately held company, Microsoft's investment would suggest that Facebook is worth $15 billion, twice the market capitalization of chip-maker Advanced Micro Devices.

Haven't we been down this road before? How on earth is Facebook worth $15 billion? What do the do to generate revenue? That "gift" function can't be generating that much cash. There can't be $15 billion worth of advertising on the site, can there?

Really, have we already frogotten the 1990s internet bubble? Because I still have some stock options I haven't cashed.

Me And My Laptop

I purchased my computer one year and six days ago. Go ahead, ask me how I know that. Here's a hint, it has something to do with my one-year warranty and my motherboard.

Best buy helpfully asked if I would like to purchase a new computer from them given that it would cost more to fix it than just buy a new one. Considering my last two laptops from Best Buy have both failed to, you know, work; I don't think I will be making any purchases from them.

Dumbledore and The Ownership of Fiction

Dumbledore is gay.

Or at least, that's what JK Rowling says. She should know, considering she invented him and all. Though I am a bit bothered by the revelation, not because the father figure of one of the most popular children's books ever is gay, but because I don't think the author gets to make these kind of authoritative pronouncements now that the book is written.

Part of the fun of reading, or watching a good movie, is that you get to interpret the events. The author has her intent, but once she releases her final draft to the public, it is up to the public to make their own judgments. Rowling here is trying to rob her readership of one of the greatest joys of experiencing any art. I understand her motives. There's an almost insatiable appetite for all things Harry Potter and she has now finished writing the series which has dominated her life for a decade. And she feels ownership of these characters and wants to control how they are viewed. Which is all well and good, but she doesn't own the characters anymore. They are now part of my and your imagination.

Rowling has taken away the ambiguity. She did drop hints to Dumbledore's sexuality throughout the book, so I don't believe she's making this up after the fact. But there was a reason she didn't come out and just say "Dumbledore is gay" in the books. If she wanted to say that, nothing stopped her. She had several thousand pages to say whatever she wanted. But now that the book is out in the public, it is the public's (or more accurately, each reader's) own imagination which governs the details of these characters.

There was no need to fill in the details. She left it up to us for a reason. Perhaps the author needs to step back and trust her readers. We own these characters, too.

“To you from failing hands we throw the torch; be yours to hold it high.”

Well, we lost. I'm pretty ticked about it. Mainly because I feel like we performed well and we should have won, and we don't even get to see the ballots so I don't know what the judges thought. I would like to have that sort of feedback. Since I just want to get the negative stuff out first, I'll also say that I got turned down for a job, lost my luggage, and dealt with a rainy day on our one day off.

OK, enough with that. The good stuff..

I spent four days in Key West. There is no downside there. I practiced my opening statement on the beach to the ocean under a beautiful night sky.

It was a great team and I was honored to be a part of it. If I ever learn to make a closing argument halfway as good as Dez, I’ll be a tremendously successful lawyer. Christie and Heather are both outstanding advocates, and they both made me work harder and get better than I ever thought I could be. So I really do thank them for not only putting up with me for a weekend, but also for enabling me to improve by helping me look at things in completely different ways. I wouldn’t trade my teammates for anyone in the entire school or any other for that matter. You guys rock.

Baylor fed us well. Osler has an uncanny ability to find the greatest restaurants in town. Gordon has the uncanny ability to eat anything not nailed down.

LSU won. While not related, that was pretty cool.

Finally, even though I am disappointed by the results, I am not disappointed in our performance. And when I look back on law school, this will be one of the memories I will cherish. Not just this weekend and the intense competition and the running jokes, but the entire process. It wasn’t being there, it was the getting there. And the late nights and the hard work may not have won me a trophy, but it made me better. And learning to be better is the whole reason while we’re here.

Thanks for letting us represent Baylor Law. I wouldn’t have traded it for anything.

Poseur On Vacation

Well, I'm not exactly on vacation. We're here in Key West for the mock trial tournament. I'm pretty excited about it, and we're working hard. Really, the only negative so far is that my luggage and I are not in the same city. Now, I'm not that fond of my luggage, but I am fairly fond of the things inside of it. Like my clothes.

The airport personnel seemed rather nonplused by the lost luggage. In fact, they seem to lose a lot of luggage and if there is something I've learned here in my very short stay is this: there's no such thing as a big deal in Key West.

Making BLS Better

Osler is soliciting comments again on how to improve the BLS, and I strongly encourage everyone to go over there and leave some constructive comments. Since I actually have my own blog, I can suggest my improvements here.

I like that Baylor has a focus on the practical application of law. It's what attracted me to Waco in the first place. But it seems we lack a real world practical program for students. A legal clinic staffed by Baylor students might be a good way to get our feet wet. I know of students who have driven to Austin in order to work in a legal clinic and there has to be a more convenient option. And I do want to stress that I found my internship at the District Attorney's office to be invaluable.

Also, we need more free food. And a better TV in the student lounge. I mean, what are we? Savages?

Still Kicking

Yes, LSU lost. Yes, I watched. No, I have not harmed myself of others. Thank you for your concern. It was nice to know there was a Steve Suicide Watch as soon as the game went final. I am adult and I don't let a football game ruin my weekend. I have perspective on these sorts of things... it is not that big of deal. This is what mature adults do. It's just a football game at the end of the day.

Besides, I am blaming it all on Acosta.

Guest Speakers

Who else enjoyed the return of Prof. CivPro to our humble PC classroom? Especially when he told us the room had the same vibe back when he was in school and he was going to try actively trying to get disinvited.

Is there any way I can get disinvited from PC?

More Baseball. Sorry.

My adopted, almost-beloved Arizona Diamondbacks kick off the NLCS tonight. And, if you're like most people in the country, you don't care. But I will now vent on behalf of the D-back Nation, if they don't mind me speaking up despite only rooting for the team for year, and only as a means to keep the Orioles from killing me off.



Dear Baseball Fans,

Screw you.

We're sick of your "no one cares about the NL now that the Cubs have lost" columns. We're sick of the "they allowed more runs than they scored" columns. We're sick of everyone picking against us. ESPN had twenty columnists pick the playoffs (which probably means they have too many people writing about baseball), and not one picked the D-backs to win the Series. Not one picked the D-backs to even make the World Series. Only FOUR picked the D-backs to beat the Cubs.

Let me now point out that the Cubs had the worst record of any team in the postseason and that they are, well, the Cubs. Let me also note that the Diamondbacks posted the NL's best record and have homefield advantage through the playoffs. Over 162 games, the D-backs proved themselves to be the best team in the NL, and eighty percent of ESPN's columnists picked them to lose to the Cubs. The same Cubs who have not won a World Series in 99 years.

And I'm not picking on ESPN. 71 percent of fans think the Rockies are going to beat the Snakes. Seventy-one percent. Let me point out that the Rockies' best pitcher is Jeff Francis.

Look, I like the Rockies. And I wouldn't mind the Tribe finally winning a Series, goodness knows their fans deserve it for rooting for lousy teams in every sport and, well, living in Cleveland. As long as the Red Sox lose, I'm pretty happy. Especially since the Yankees have already taken the gas pipe.

But, seriously, would it kill y'all to give the Diamondbacks just a little bit of respect?

Signed,
The Diamondbacks

Think Happy Thoughts

There's a notable lack of happy in the PC room. Now, its never the cheeriest place on earth, but I think the grind is really beginning to drag us down. I don't know, it just seems sort of glum around here.

So, try and make a concerted effort to be nice to someone tomorrow. Seriously. You know, give out a random compliment or something. Or maybe just smile. It's not that bad, everyone, and we've only got a few weeks left. Not to be hokey, but I really do believe we're all on the same team here. Let's get through this together. It's almost over.

Well, until we do this again next quarter. The light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train. No one said the happy thoughts had to last long.

The Visitor's Guide to LSU: We Are Insane

Since I had to be the Honorable Baker today (now 50% more arbitrary and capricious!), had mock trial practice, and have about 5000 pages of PC to read, I am a little too busy to come up with original content.

Since I'm still on a high from the LSU-Florida game, I encourage you to go to everydayshouldbesaturday and read one Florida fan's brave journey to Tiger Stadium. It is not for the faint of heart. But it is a fairly accurate portrayal of Saturday Night at Tiger Stadium, a place once described by Bear Bryant as "like playing inside a drum." Or by our former coach like this, "At night, you can actually smell the bourbon on the field."

A sampling:

Tiger Stadium is proxy Mardi Gras. Something cuts Tiger Stadium loose from the fetters of reality. Perhaps it’s the brown liquor buzz peaking with the setting of the sun, or the lurid dark purple the sky turns just as the sun is sliding beneath the horizon, or the combined and complete attention of 92,000 people all focused on one communal point of attention. We’ve read about the intangibles of playing in a place like Tiger Stadium before–the vague “something” described alternately as “special,” “different,” or “MY GOD I’M NOT GETTING OUT OF HERE ALIVE”–and scoffed.

We scoff no more. It’s real, live, and tangible enough to hang your freshly slaughtered baby alligator carcass on in a pinch. (We met a tailgater who, in festive fashion, had slaughtered a baby alligator that morning in order to prepare it for the tailgate. Tiger meat’s a bit harder to come by. Thanks, Chinese Medicine black market!

Enjoy.

How Bout Dem Tigahs?

I do not like exciting LSU games. I like those 45 point blowouts where I can start planning my after-game activities somewhere around the 2nd quarter. Last night's game was epic. It was terrific and it was exciting. It also caused me to burst about thirteen blood vessels and lose the ability to speak.

I have a feeling Jacob Hester will never have to buy a drink in Louisiana again. I'm also willing to bet there was a lot of alcohol freely available in the student section after the game. Sometimes the universe works out like that.

Oh, and Les Miles has got a pair. Of course it's easier to go for it on fourth down FIVE times when your kicker is doing his best Scott Norwood impression.

Morrissey?!

I finally got a haircut for about the first time in two months yesterday. Thank you, everyone. I’m glad you noticed. My arch-nemesis not only noticed the new haircut but also noticed my sideburns were uneven. Hey, just trying to be helpful.

Then, in order to be nice, he gave me a compliment. He said the new haircut made me look like Morrissey. Yeah, this guy. Whiny, androgynous singer of depressing Smiths songs. Being complimented on Morrissey-like hair is like telling a girl she has the muscle tone of Britney Spears.

Ed Note: Yes, I have an arch-nemesis. That is because I am a vigilante superhero who stops crime when I am not in law school. This is all a clever alter ego.

Hey Bud Selig...

Dear Major League Baseball,

I like the playoffs. Who am I kidding? I love the playoffs. The Mets crash and burn? Warm fuzzy feeling over here. And you got some nice storylines with the perennial losers like the Cubs, Phillies, and Indians as well as powerhouses like the Yankees and the Red Sox.

I'm reall enjoying it in my few moments of free time. So don't think I'm complaining. Don't you go changing. But whould it kill you guys to hire some umpires who knew where the strike zone is?

Runs are cool. And they happen more often when the strike zone does not extend half a foot off the plate.

Thanks,
Poseur

The CSO Loves You (Or At Least Thinks Fondly Of You)

I’m pretty busy this week, which explains the lack of posts. The blog is pretty low on the priority list, but I do want y’all to know I am still alive.

However, I would like to take a few seconds to thank Kat, Heather, and Monica for putting together the Guerrilla Tactics for Getting the Job of Your Dreams seminar. If you didn’t go, well, you missed out. Not only was there some pretty helpful advice on how you should go about your job search, there was also sushi and Barry Manilow trivia.

Law, sushi, AND Barry Manilow? I mean, you can’t top that sort of evening.

The Order of the Poseur

A good day for Friends of the Blog:

- The Rev's Law Review article got cited in an actual case. And that's pretty cool.

- Stokes made the Lone Star Mock Trial Team (the whole team was announced, I'm sorry I don't have all the names. Britt is an Acquaintance of the Blog but not in the same status as Stokes. Still, a hearty congrats to everyone who made it. Britt will be promoted to Friend of the Blog if he lets me beat him at ping pong).

- Acosta boarded a plane to DC to go to the Supreme Court to see the oral arguments of the brief he helped write for Osler. No word on whether he signed his work with "Love, Matt".

Good times, everyone. Let's be careful out there.

Football Weekend

I just realized that since Oklahoma and Texas both lost yesterday, their game next weekend will not be for first place in the Big XII South for about the first time in modern history. Even more disturbing is this fact:

The winner of Texas A&M and Oklahoma St will be in sole possession of first place at the end of next week. Aggies, you may commence trash talking.

Oh, and LSU is still really good. I was ticked about only beating the hated Greenies by a mere 25 points, but then half of the top ten lost. And beating up on the weak sister across the state didn't seem so bad. At least we didn't lose to Colorado, a team whose fan base is more concerned with making bongs out of common household items than winning football games.

Coffee Is My Friend

As a public service announcement, I would like to echo Matt’s sentiments in the comments. Coffee is the lifeblood of a PC student. My body is 80% water, 19% coffee, and 1% surgical steel. I need that coffee or I will wither and die. I have few true vices*, but my coffee addiction is one. Which means it’s time for the lecture:

If it is before 10 AM, and you drink the last cup of coffee in the pot, you make a new pot. Period. No exceptions. I don’t care if you burst into flames right after pouring that cup. You need to stop, drop, and roll and then get up a make a new pot. It takes all of about thirty seconds. Then go to the burn unit.

This also includes those of you who take some coffee but leave some coffee in the pot, just not enough to make enough for a full cup. You are just trying to avoid your duty to make a new pot in a malicious and fraudulent manner. You leave just a little film of coffee and claim you don’t need to make a new pot? Then you are the sort of person who cheats at solitaire and takes more than one penny from the tray at the convenience store. Stop it.

When your fellow students roll into the student lounge in the morning, they need that coffee in order to make it through the day. There are students walking around with empty sippy cups, and that is just sad.

Think of the children. Make a new pot.

*Ed Note - Just pretend that's true. Thanks.

Brief On Brief

I didn’t find this myself, this was sent to me by an alert reader who spends too much time on the internet. But I thought it was pretty funny.

This may be the only legal brief you will read on briefs of the other sort. The best part is when the lawyer gets snippy about how to spell “Under Armour,” showing that the army hadn’t bothered to do any research before hurling accusations. Fighting the US Army on Gitmo detainees has got to be tough work. Your client’s been held in an isolation cell for years without any real hope of release… but at least you won the underwear issue.

Click clack.

Flashback

Lemme get this straight...

OJ is in trouble with the law. The 49ers are a winning football team. So are the Cowboys. I'm at a university. Ted Danson is on a successful TV show.

It's feeling pretty 1990s in here. Where did I put my flannel?

Halfway Through And Completely Delirious

We're at the halfway point in PC. Let's go out and celebrate by reading a whole bunch of cases. I plan on buying myself a celebratory highlighter.

Am I doing all right? We're muddling through. At least I'm surviving. But as the Hold Steady reminds us...

If she says we partied, I'm pretty sure we partied.
I really don't remember.

Practice Court Almost Killed Me.

More importantly...

As requested by Hollie on Osler's blog, it is tough for us PC'ers to sometimes come up with witnesses. If you are willing to witness, we have exercises almost every single day. Please feel free to leave either your contact info in the comments OR send me an email with your availability and I'll pass it along to the PC class. My email, slightly adjusted to avoid internet spam is Stephen(underscore)Baker AT Baylor dot edu. Put in the title line something like WITNESS.

We appreciate it. You're welcome, Hollie. Feel free to give me candy.

Baseball Update

My Emergency NL Backup Team has a two and half game lead with only a week of baseball left. Which means it is entirely likely that the Diamondbacks are going to the playoffs. They also hold a slight lead in the race for the best record overall in the NL, so they have about a better than 50-50 chance of having homefield advanatge. Now, this is of course pretty cool for me, as it is the first pennant race I have been able to enjoy in a decade. And it also makes me feel like I did a real bang-up job of picking an Emergency NL Backup Team. I'm happy my fandom was not the kiss of death.

OK, but I'm also a huge stat dork, and the D-backs are pulling off one of the most unlikely statistical seasons ever, one that has the stat geek community rubbing their calculators and has Eric Byrnes saying things like:

"As far as I’m concerned, all the stat geeks really don’t come into play in this situation... The last I checked, wins and losses determine who goes to the playoffs. I’m on a team that is in first place."

Duly noted, Eric. But here's the thing. There is no better predictor of a team's record than the difference between runs allowed and runs scored. The formula is eerily accurate, and most teams finish within about five games of their Pythagorean Win projection. Here's the rub: the D-backs have allowed more runs than they have scored. They are outperforming Pythagoras by 11 games. No team is close to that number.

Which begs the question... how are they beating Pythagoras. Everyone seems to have an idea.

Sabametric (a fancy word for baseball dork) orthodoxy is that any deviation from Pythagoras is atrributed to luck. I'm not sure that is true. I think the huge deviation is luck, but the deviation itself might come from something else: the D-backs concede games in which they are losing. They couldn't hit water falling out of a boat, so armed with a pea shooter for an offense, when the starting pitcher has a bad game, the Snakes just pack up and send in some marginal reliever who won't be in the Majors next season to take one for the team. When the game is close, the Dbacks go to the core of their pen, which has four pitchers with an ERA below three. In a close game, the D-backs have an edge: they will almost always have the better bullpen. They might not score many runs, but Lyons, Pena, and Slaten give up even less. And Valverde, the closer, allows nothing.

The good news is that in the playoffs, the back end of your bullpen isn't terribly important. The bad news is, the lousy offense probably will be an issue. I'm hoping the D-backs gift for winning one-run games continues in the playoffs.

Hugs and High Fives

The Triumvirate of Awesome needs a hug.

I would say how people shouldn't rip on their fellow students and we're all in this together and that being mean to your fellow students just reflects poorly on you... but you know the lecture. It's been given before and I'm pretty tired and don't want to go through that again. So why don't you guys go downstairs to the lounge, get some coffee and maybe some of Swanburg's leftover pastries, and take a few seconds away from PC Land. We're all tired. We're all overworked. We're all on some pretty insane caffeine highs.* But let's not take it out on each other. We're all just trying to make it through this (relatively) unscathed. We're all on the same team.

Speaking of that, a huge congratulations goes to Official Friend of Poseur, "Love," Matt Acosta who just got word he will be a Judicial Clerk next year. I look forward to reading meaty tomes on why the parties don't have subject matter jurisdiction. Seriously, I've never met anyone who likes talking about jurisdiction as much as Matt, which pretty much tells you why he's going to be a great clerk. I'm pretty excited for the guy, and I'm sure he'll do the BLS proud. If you see him in the halls, give him a high five or something.

To review:
Triumvirate of Awesome needs a hug.
Matt needs a high five.
I need more coffee.

*Ed Note - Sorry. That's just me. We need a PC chillout tent.

I'm an Etch A Sketch And My Mind Is Blank

Today is National Talk Like A Pirate Day. Or, yesterday was, since tomorrow is now today and today is now yesterday. Prof PC honored this solemn holiday by making us walk the plank. The reading assignment for tomorrow (or today, or whatever it is right now) is brutal and I'm fairly delirious right now. And I still have more work to do. Shiver me timbers, indeed.

Sleep is for the weak, matey. Ar.

Godfather of Punk?

Pitchfork, in a recent interview with Lou Reed in which they try and convince us Metal Machine Music is not a completely unlistenable album (now remastered so it's SIXTY-FOUR minutes of guitar feedback), describe Lou Reed as the "godfather of punk".

Now, I like some of Lou Reed's stuff, but do punk fans get to vote on this one? Was Richard Hell sick and unable to perform the duties as Godfather of Punk? Iggy Pop was busy? Wayne Kramer? Joe Strummer too busy being dead?

I mean, the artsy fartsy guy in the Velvet Underground is the godfather of punk? Are we sure about this?

Attorney General Nominated

I try to avoid politics on this space because, well, no good can really come of it. And since I don't fit neatly into neither party, I just end up alienating everybody. Let's just assume we disagree. Actually, my political beliefs are pretty closely in line with the 19th Century Whigs. I'm a huge believer in Whiggery. Yes, that's just so I can say Whiggery*. Say it. It's fun.

Anyway, Bush nominated a new Attorney General today so it's at least some law topical news. I bring this up because he's nominated a former judge, Michael Mukasey, who seems immensely qualified and reasonable. So of course, each political party wants to oppose the nomination but can't without looking like opportunistic jackals.

As a rule, I'm a firm believer in the American political process even with all of its warts. OK, I think the Electoral College is relic and should be abolished, but it's hardly keeping me up at night. But this got me thinking: should the Attorney General be an appointed political position? I understand, even agree, with the idea of staunchly political appointments to a president's cabinet. They are his (maybe on day her) advisers, and the president should have the right to pick his advisers. But the AG strikes me as somehow a little bit different. The role of the AG isn't just to advise the president, it is to uphold the law. And sometimes that means disagreeing with the president. Just ask John Ashcroft. It seems this goal could be better accomplished if the Attorney General was independent of the presidency.

I don't know. I'm just thinking out loud.

*Ed Note - Actually, not entirely true. It's also because I think Henry Clay is one of the greatest Americans in our history. He is so awesome that he served as a US Senator before he met the Constitutional requirements to do so (he was under age 35). We could use some Henry Clays today, or as he was known, The Great Compromiser.

Our Fans Are Crazier Than Your Fans

I don't know whether to be proud, scared, or disgusted by my fellow LSU alumni. But this video shows what happens when you take your LSU fanaticism to its illogical extreme. But they did build a miniature Tiger Stadium in their backyard. I'm pretty jealous about that.

Yes, they shaved the cat. No, it does not look happy.



This one has been making the rounds of the internets. I guess I'll give credit to the Florida fanblog, everydayshouldbesaturday. I hate giving credit to Gators...

Under The Lights

I went to my first Texas high school football game last night. I didn't grow up in the culture of Friday Night Lights, and I'm not entirely sure if my high school even played football. I'm sure we did, but no one went to games or anything. I remember going to a homecoming dance or two, so I'm sure there were actual homecoming games as well. But Wedding Crashers was lying when they said "Football and crabcakes... that what we do in Maryland!" We like sports in which we're allowed to carry a weapon.

More than anything, I'm stunend by the sheer size of it all. I guess this is Texas, and big is what y'all do, but the Waco ISD stadium is pretty darn big. And while it wasn't packed to capacity, it wasn't a ghost town either.

I'm a fan of small sporting events. I like the local feel of things and I like how this is the most important thing in the world to a small few, while the rest of the world couldn't care less. For a little more than two hours, it was really important that Waco High beat the snot out of Corsicana (which they did). That's pretty cool.

Good Times, Bad Times

One of the good things about PC is that you do have good days after those bad days. Yesterday was bad. Today was good. Everyone gets a chance to redeem themselves. It's not like the profs hold a grudge when you mess up. We're supposed to mess up sometimes. It's just a matter of getting back on the horse.

Thanks to Prof. Osler for the shout-out over on the Razor today. I'm even happy he used a goofy photo of me in which I look like I am about to pass out. Note that no one is covering me. I'm open! Pass the rock!

My favorite part of the day was getting to be the grieving father for Stephanie's opening. Apparently, my character was named Bill "Bulldog" Bennett. Now, I'm just saying, would it kill you guys to give me a cool nickname like that? I'm also proud that my fictional son played an entire football game with a broken nose. Definitely believable that would be my kid -- both for the injury and for the fact he'd keep playing. Then again, it's not like a broken nose really hurts that much. On my rather copious list of injuries, it hardly ranks.

One day to the weekend.

One Down...

I had my first courtroom exercise today. How did I do?

Well, let's just try and focus on the fact that PC is a marathon, not a sprint. Because that did not go well. Nothing like the reassurance of knowing exactly how much you have to learn.

Next week, right? I'll get 'em next week.

Sometimes I Wish I Was A Bird

I didn't even realize it was 9/11 until Prof. Osler pointed it out in PR today (I didn't see his blog entry until this afternoon). PC has a way of doing that, of throwing off your internal clock until you have no idea what day it is. Anniversary of a national tragedy? Oops. I was reading some divorcee's 21 alleged points of error.

So I don't have a 9/11 reflection post planned. I honestly forgot. I don't know what that says about me. Probably that I'm far too self-absorbed. Which is a fair charge. Every blogger, by nature, is at least a little self-absorbed.

I remember bits and pieces of that day. I remember getting on the Metro thinking I was going to get killed. I remember military helicopters flying overhead and being oddly comforted. I remember my coworker franctically trying to call his mom, who was supposed to be in the Towers that day. But no one's cellphone worked. I remember watching the second plane hit live on television.

But what I remember most was that it was a beautiful day. The birds chirped happily, blissfully unaware that the Pentagon was on fire just a few miles away. We walked outside and climbed on the roof of our office and looked at the clouds and thought:

In a world as beautiful as this, why do things like this happen?

I still don't know. The older I get, the dumber I get. I still don't understand. But today is a beautiful day and the birds are chirping outside, blissfully unaware of the affairs of humankind.

Movies To Not Set Your Opening Statement To

Prof. PC was giving us some helpful advocacy advice last Friday, and related our opening to telling a story like a movie. So he had us all think of a movie and mentioned that most good movies follow a defined story arc. In an effort to put off writing my opening statement even further, here is a list of my favorite movies you should definitely NOT model your story-telling arc after:

M*A*S*H. Episodic story in which the primary conflict is resolved about halfway through. Then the rest of the opening is spent talking about a pickup football game.

Eraserhead. Symbolism plays a huge role and not only is nothing real, nothing makes a whole lot of sense. Works better if you can make the world black and white. And produce a singing woman from inside a radiator.

Memento. The movie I actually thought of in class. Tell the story completely backwards so that people have to listen to your opening about twenty times just to figure the thing out. Don't forget to cover yourself in tattoos to help you remember what to say.

Rashomon. Tell the same exact story from four different perspectives to point out that everyone is liar and how our perceptions change how we remember events. Oh yeah, and do it in Japanese.

Slacker. This would require lots of help. The movie works on the premise that the camera follows one person in the conversation and another person out of it into their next conversation. Pointless and meandering, it gives you a good sense of setting but nothing else. It also requires you to give your opening in Austin.

Adaptation. When in doubt, talk about the process of writing your opening instead of actually doing the opening. And then just start inventing an alternate reality.

Fantasia. Forget it. Just play music and watch cartoon hippos dance.

My Tigers Beat Down My Brother's Hokies

I went to LSU. My brother went to Virginia Tech. I don't think I've ever enjoyed a phone call more than the one I made this morning.

48-7.

I just had to tell him the final score, because he stopped watching in the second quarter. Just trying to be helpful.

Rock Bottom

It's sometimes hard to know, as a sports fan, when your team has hit rock bottom. Well, The Nation just wrote an expose on the Orioles treatment of their stadium workers. That's never good. It's bad enough to get ripped by ESPN, but getting ripped into by a left-wing mag? Is there anything the O's can do to tick of William F Buckley, just for political balance?

Is this granite or limestone?

Ed Note -- Emergency NL Backup Team Update: First place after taking two of three from the Padres. 2nd best record in the NL. No labor unrest that I am aware of. Go Snakes.

License To Ill

They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but they are big fat honkin liars. I've been eating and apple a day, snacking on carrot sticks, and taking lots of vitamins. All in an effort not to get sick during PC.

Well, that one is out. I woke up in the middle of the night, sick. Well, dammit. I swear, this room is like a gigantic petri dish in which Baylor is harvesting the next superflu virus. I fully expect us to be recreating scenes from The Stand by next week. Hopefully there is a vaccine on the way before it comes to that.

For those of you I'm about to get sick because you have no choice but to sit next to me for the next few days... sorry. But those vitamins in all of the fruits and vegetables I'm eating have simply not helped. Which seems like a waste of fruits and vegetables.

Me And Brad

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie might adopt yet another kid. This means they can finally put together a family basketball team, though they might have a real problem with depth. They're gonna need those kids to go a full 60 minutes. Subs are for sissies.

Brad also told the reporter, "Sleep is nonexistent." Oh really? Me and Brad, both living on no sleep. Who knew that there would ever be a time I'd have something in common with Brad Pitt? I would have preferred it would have been his looks or bank account, but apparently I get his sleep patterns. So that's something.

Michigan Loses And Laughs

You may be aware that Michigan, the winningnest college football program of all-time, lost a football game yesterday to Appalachian State, a 1-AA school whose biggest claim to fame before yesterday was that it was the college choice of Miss Teen South Carolina. So, this is a school that really stresses academics. This is the first time a top 25 team has ever lost to a 1-AA team, so way to go Michigan.

Now, I'll admit, my initial reaction was one of schadenfreude. That and celebrating with maniacal glee. Because, let's face it, part of being a sports fan is enjoying the misery of others. Particularly when you've adopted Baylor football as a pet, and the chances of them winning a game rest on their ability to beat teams like Rice, who also lost to a 1-AA team yesterday (Nicholls State... Louisiana represent!).

But I have to give it to Michigan fans, who have reacted with fairly good humor about the whole thing. The two biggest Michigan sports blogs have reacted in opposite ways. The M-Zone has gone into meltdown, posting pictures of the Hindenburg disaster. The MGoBlog has decided to change themes and rename the blog, "Kittens R Nice" and posted a bunch of pictures of kittens. Thank God for the internet.

The B never panics like this after a loss. The B is an expert on losing. Rooting for LSU is more fun, guys. And we have better food.